Loneliness

So often what people show others is not what’s truly going on inside. Loneliness, grief, sadness, despair, longing, thins that most have no clue you’re feeling. I struggle to share those “less than”. I try to be an open book, and often (more than I should no doubt) share my opinion or they see it across my face, but when I’m dealing with things myself, I just have this hard time trusting anyone and telling them. I can feel the uncomfortable feelings the one I’m opening up to feels. The quickness they change the subject, or the outright avoidance.

Here’s the thing, I feel like my life is falling apart. I don’t feel like I can truly tell anyone, because the ones who know what’s happened a couple years ago, I feel like they’re tired of talking about it. I feel like they don’t want to hear about it, like maybe they want me to be over it. I wish so much that I could just forgive and move on. I honestly just don’t know how to do that. How does one just forgive and forget. I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to stop feeling betrayed, how to stop being so angry, sad, furious. I don’t know how to just let it go. I want to. I need to, but I’m filled with anger, frustration. I don’t know how my heart will stop being unbroken. Maybe one day this will be just in the past and a bad, old memory.

Advertisements

Disappointed

I have been leading our women’s bible study for 2 years now, at our church. Since December we’ve not met once. We’ve cancelled because of weather and because no one could make it for various reasons. Tonight we were supposed to have bible study and no one could come. I left church in tears. I needed the fellowship tonight. I can happily be a hermit, as in, I seriously could be very content to not leave my house for the whole week, but that does not ever happen, but it’s been a rough week emotionally for me, and I just needed to dig in the word with these ladies that I love and trust, who I can be honest and raw with. I drove the 10 minute drive in tears, I couldn’t even talk to my daughter, who was sitting directly behind me.

It doesn’t help that I think I’m getting sick. I have blisters from hot food, that are just not healing like they should be, plus a sore through, and coughing, so I know my immune system is lower than it normally is. I need to get more Vitamin C and D, to boost my immune system and hopefully it’ll boost my energy.

We bought a house a month ago and I still have so much unpacking to do. My craft room is not unpacked at all, and the girls room has a lot that needs to be done as well. I have got to get in gear. I just feel like by the time evening comes, dinner is done, kitchen is cleaned up, I’m wiped out. I have not had a weekend to just get things done in weeks. I have got to get in gear, I can’t stand living like this.

I’m full of complaints tonight, which I know I seem to focus on the whole woe is me the later it gets. I have so much to be thankful for. Thankful that the Lord has blessed me with 7 beautiful children and the blessing to raise 6 of them, as he enjoys Jordyn in Heaven with Him. I am much healthier now than I was 2 years ago. We were able to buy a house, that we honestly started to wonder would ever happen.

If you feel led, please pray for my attitude and just pray for me in general, the Lord knows.

Jumping back in

I haven’t blogged in far too long. I more or less fell off the wagon part way through my pregnancy and although I lost 80 lbs, gained 20 and lost that 20, I’ve been at a stall. I have gotten back on track with exercise and eating. I have been doing my Zumba video every morning. I do Zumba Monday through Friday and I’m walking at least 3 miles a day, which I’m working up to 5 miles a day, which really is just doing it! I’m actually about ready to go out for at least a 2 mile walk here in a few minutes. I’m going to take our dogs out, but one at a time, since when they are walked they both lose their minds! 😉 So I can walk one a mile and then walk the other a mile. Yesterday I put N in my Moby wrap and went for a walk with him. . I have every intention of seeing the scale going down again. I’m 40 lbs from my goal and I will reach my goal weight by the time I hit my 2 year mark of surgery. Most people who had my surgery, reach goal weight by 1 year, but most also don’t end up pregnant 1 month after surgery!! I’m proud of what I’ve done so far, but I am NOT done, I will never truly be done. I am so much healthier than I was before April 29, 2014, but I want to be as healthy as I can be. I want to be stronger in all aspects. I want to continue to teach my children to make better choices for themselves.
I also joined a friend for a challenge for the month of September…to bike, run, or walk 100 miles by the end of September! I so far have 6 miles in, to get the 100 miles I need to get in 3.3 miles a day, I’m about 1/2 mile behind, which will be made up tonight when the husband and I take the dogs out for our nightly walk, we get at least 1 1/2 miles in, and we’ll be good to go, I am off now!

Grace and Mercy

I’m grateful that in a couple more days my arms will be full with a new baby. I am in awe that although this baby was not planned by us, the Lord planned this child and knows far more than I do! We trust God with our family size, and know this is not a common or popular idea today, but I’m so thankful that the Lord placed this conviction on our hearts over 11 years ago. When I was a girl and thinking of the day I’d be a mother, I always pictured 3 children: a boy, a girl, and another boy. Here we are now, about to welcome our 7th child, our tie breaker. I don’t know if the Lord will bless us with another child down the road or not, so I want to relish the last days of this baby in the womb. I will admit though, that this pregnancy has been a bit more painful (physically) for me than any other, and well I’m feeling my age. I was 21 when I gave birth the first time, almost 17 years ago, and I can feel the difference in my body at 38 years old, yet seriously what a blessing to know that after all these years, 6 c-sections my body still is doing what the Lord created it to do…bring in new life! I’m so humbled that I’ve been allowed to experience pregnancy not just once, but now 7 times. I’m so humbled that the Lord changed my heart so many years ago, to TRUST HIM!! He’s blessed us over and over again. I’m also thankful that he changed my heart in making sure I enjoy pregnancy, so much of that is truly attitude. I’ve dealt with a fair amount of physical pain, and been brought to tears because of it, yet I have reminded myself that even though I’m uncomfortable, hurting, etc this is a blessing and I must enjoy these moments. Right now as I type, I feel little punches and some squirming around.
I am redeemed through the Lord, Jesus Christ. He alone changed my heart and although I’m still quite sassy, brass, and opinionated, my heart is full of JOY, and the only reason for that is Jesus. His mercy and grace is the change in my heart. I can promise you that without HIM, I’d be nothing but wretched and miserable. March is a hard month for me, emotionally. It’s the month I welcomed my first born into this world. She was born 6 days after my estimated due date, and a year later on that due date, our lives, and most of all her life, was changed forever, when she was diagnosed with leukemia. It wasn’t until the following day we got the dreadful news that she did not have the more common childhood leukemia of ALL, but instead AML. I can’t even imagine how she’d look at 17 years old. I know she’d be beautiful and have no doubt that beauty would be far beyond skin deep,because her soul was so beautiful when she was alive. I am so blessed that for 2 years 1 month and 8 days, God allowed me to actively parent her. She made me a mother, she stole my heart, and took a piece with her to Heaven. What I’m so thankful for though, is I do not ever have to worry about her. She’s safe in the arms of Jesus. I KNOW where she is.
I don’t have to worry about talking to her about walking and talking to strangers or even people we know. I don’t have to worry about her learning to drive and the dangers that aspect brings on. I don’t have to worry about her at all. She’s safe and in the place we should all be yearning to go to. So although I’d love so much to be preparing not only for the birth of her younger sibling, but to be planning and looking forward to celebrating her 17th birthday, but that’s not what the Lord decided on. So I know on her birthday, I’ll shed some tears that are always mixed with joy, of course this year I’ll be dealing with post-partum hormones as well, but here’s where grace falls in. The Lord knows my heart and knows that even after 15 years, I miss my beautiful girl and he says there’s a time for mourning. I don’t walk around every day crying and weeping over the loss of her, so I give myself grace and I know the Lord does as well, on her birthday (and the day she went to Heaven). I know that although I have all kinds of hormones surging through my body, and the tears come very easy, that I’ll cry the day this baby enters the world from joy and accept that a few of those tears will be because her/his oldest sister will not be here on this earth to greet him/her. I do like to think and believe that she told this baby all about us though, possibly warned her/him that she/he is about to gain a crazy all over the part mother, crazy and fun siblings, and a loving, silly, crazy Daddy, who are all so excited to welcome him/her!
Grace and Mercy is what I ask for and desire and received from the Lord and that I need to give myself as well.

Arms Wide Open

I’m grateful for every day I have this baby growing in me and being a beautiful reminder that every child is a blessing from God. Children are NOT a burden, although sadly that is how they’re viewed in today’s world, which is so heart breaking.
I’ve been in a great deal of physical pain the last few days, to the point of tears. For someone who has a pretty high pain tolerance, it’s  not be fun to say the least.
I woke up this morning though, to little kicks inside my womb. the reminder that this life is growing stronger every day she/he is safe inside me. I don’t want to take a single moment for granted of this pregnancy. I don’t know if I’ll ever be pregnant again, so I need to not wish a single day away. I want to relish feeling the hiccups of this baby, the rolls, the kicks, the little punches. So many would give anything to have these days and moments that I’m in right now and I want to find joy.

This baby has had hiccups more than any of my others. I must admit multiple times a day and night, they start getting a bit annoyed, but no matter how annoying they may be, I need to find joy in them. They indicate that the baby is learning to swallow, which is obviously an essential thing for a newborn to have and I hope and pray it means she or he will nurse easily!

I’ve allowed myself to wallow in self-pity, complaining, and groaning. It’s time for me to suck it up buttercup, pull on my big girl panties and get over myself. I’m going to work on focusing on joy every day that I have left of this pregnancy. I hope my friends will remind me and keep me accountable.

Mighty To Save

February 18: I’m thankful for my Savior. I’m thankful that we’re raising our children to not only know who Christ is, but that they’re accepting Him as their personal Savior. There is absolutely, positively nothing more important than their Salvation. I’m so thankful to see Christ working in their lives, to see how HE is making them. It’s so humbling! I was not raised in the church, I am almost 40 and still learning about my Savior, and know my kids are so far ahead of me and I’m grateful for that!

“So take me as You find me, all my fears and failures, fill my life again. I give my life to follow, everything I believe in, I surrender…” That is a line from Laura Story’s song: Mighty to Save. It’s one of my all time favorite Contemporary Christian songs. When I meet people who don’t attend church and their reason is: “I need to get right with God first”, I want to scream honestly. There’s no place BETTER to get “Right” with God, than in HIS HOUSE. God takes us just as we are, but he does NOT want to leave us there. Over the years, I’ve went through many transformations in my walk with the Lord, and am currently in another. If you ever think that once you become a Christian, life gets easy, smooth sailing should happen. If you ever say to yourself “why is this happening, I’m a good person or so and so is a good person”. Guess what, it doesn’t matter or even have anything to DO with how good or bad you are. The FACTS are, we’re told that when we accept Christ, we will face trials and tribulations. Read the bible. Those who walked WITH Christ on this earth, those who wrote the bible, who were God’s chosen, faced beatings, imprisonment, hardships, they had family and community turn their backs on them. We are NOT promised to have an easy life. Instead of saying “why me”, honestly we really should be saying “Why NOT ME?”
I think it’s human nature to say “why me” or “why so and so”. Believe me when I’ve had people in my in my life who I love/care for who are facing or have faced trials and/or tribulations I don’t understand it. I did not understand why my not even 1 year old was diagnosed with AML leukemia. I didn’t understand why she had to die vs getting an earthly cure. I don’t understand why a precious friend of mine, who was a woman after God’s heart, was murdered by her husband, who all thought was a man after God’s heart. (Yes he may have had PTSD, but guess what, that’s not an excuse to murder your wife and mother of your children). Here’s the thing though, it’s not our job to understand it. Sometimes the Lord does reveal answers to these questions, but in my experience he rarely does, because he wants and expects us to simply TRUST HIM.

John 16:33 (ESV): “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Those are Christ’s own words, please take these to heart. He tells us, we WILL have tribulation in this life. We WILL have peace through HIM. When you accept Jesus as your Savior you are going to have trials. Hear me as I say that again: When you accept Jesus as your Savior, you will HAVE Trials in your life. This is a guarantee. This isn’t a threat, it’s a promise, straight from our Lord, so do not be surprised when those trials start. Don’t be surprised when your Christian brothers and sisters have trials thrown at them. There are some who seem to face one trial after another,while others seem to have minor ones in their life. I don’t understand why some seem to live a life closer to Job’s, when the Lord allowed Satan to test him. I admit my heart breaks when I see friends and family facing trials. I admit that I will tell the Lord, I just don’t understand, but really I should NEVER be surprised and honestly, we need to praise GOD for those trials, because he KNOWS we are walking with HIM and that it’s not through our strength we’ll get through those trials, but through HIS.He will carry us. No matter how much it breaks our hearts, what should break our hearts even more, is when we see friends and family living this life without accepting Jesus Christ as their Savior. I have family in my life who have not accepted Christ as their Savior. I know people who really believe that if they live a good life, if they’re “good” people they’re going to Heaven. THEY WILL NOT GO TO HEAVEN, by being good enough. There are not enough good things we can do to earn our way to Heaven. There is only ONE WAY to Heaven, just one, and that’s through the acceptance of Jesus Christ as their Savior. Accepting that Jesus is the one and only Son of God.

I named this blog Redeemed through mercy and grace, and let me tell you, it’s only through Jesus’ mercy and grace that I am redeemed. Without HIM, I am NOTHING. I am absolutely nothing. I can never earn my way to Heaven. NO ONE can or will earn their way to Heaven. No one can ever be good enough, holy enough, perfect enough. We’re all sinners. We all fall short of HIS glory, yet he’s made a way. It’s narrow, and many will think it’s “too hard” or “too easy” and will turn their backs on Him. It’s accepting Jesus as Their Savior. It’s acknowledging that Christ is the one true Son of our One True God. He humbled himself to be born of a virgin (Mary) to be the “step son” to Joseph, to die on a cross, after being beating and betrayed, by His own people, one who followed Him, who kissed His face. If you want Heaven, you NEED and must accept Jesus. I will never understand those who turn away from our Lord, but there are many who do and will. I pray if you’re here and reading this, you have either a. Accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior or b. you WILL accept Jesus as your Savior.
You’re not perfect, you may feel unworthy, but our Lord has said you ARE worth it. Jesus died on the cross for EACH OF US. He loves you and wants to call you His.

February 10

I wrote this on Feb 10, 2015 and it’s amazing to me how this is me tonight, this is exactly how I feel.

 

I promise I do not want to be a downer. I wish I could just jump back up and be full of happiness. I can and have so many times, slapped a smile on my face, but right now, I just can’t and more so, I won’t. Life’s not full of rainbows and butterflies all the time, actually most of the time it’s not.

Feb 10/11: I’m grateful that I can be real. Some don’t like it and that’s okay, but being fake just does not work for me. I’ve had people in my life who can not or will not be authentic, who will not speak their hearts and minds. That’s me, and probably more often than not, to a fault. I get passionate on certain things, and I pray that that passion comes from the Lord and if not, that he will take that passion from me.

Yesterday was my birthday and I am 100% honest when I say my feelings of being sad, has absolutely nothing to do with turning another year older. Birthday’s are a blessing from the Lord. My oldest child, my sweet, beautiful girl never got the chance to celebrate more than 2 birthday’s. It stinks that, that was all we got with her, but I know she’s so much better off, with our Savior. Her life and her death make me that much more grateful for each birthday for myself and my family, with that though, does not take away that sometimes life doesn’t feel good. Sometimes life hurts, sometimes things are not peaches and cream. I’m NOT looking for sympathy or empathy. I don’t hold the corner on having a child who’s died from cancer, I don’t hold the corner for feeling sad. I am just being honest here and that’s why I write, to try to be honest, to try to be authentic.
Happiness is a fleeting emotion that comes and goes. Joy comes straight from the Lord, Jesus Christ.
I am anything, but the center of the world. Sometimes though, I do feel ignored and forgotten. There are days where my adult conversations are very limited. I don’t want to look or more so feel desperate. I know I’m loved, I know I’m blessed with some wonderful and dear friends and family. I know I can be very honest, yet I do struggle to open up and completely share my heart and struggles, and over the last 4 1/2 years that’s been something I’ve really struggled with. My husband was in a horrific accident that ultimately ended his Army career, he retired with 20 years, but he missed deployments, no more promotions, that was it for him. When he was having the biggest of his surgeries, the same day of his surgery, one of my best friends died, very unexpectedly. We talked every single day. I am still grieving her death. I miss her so much. She was one of the few who I could be completely honest. So much has happened since she died, that she’d have been the first person I would have told, and she’s gone. I talk to God, constantly, I guess sometimes I just want to hear a response.

Birthday Blah’s

Okay so I’ve already failed miserably at keeping up with my grateful posts. I’ll restart with today.
Feb 9: I’m grateful that the Lord has given me another year of life. 38 years that have not been promised, have not been deserved, yet the Lord has blessed me tremendously.

So today is my 38th birthday. I am not having the blah’s because of my age. I actually have never minded getting older and still feel the same way. This feeling started feeling like this yesterday. My guess is it’s mostly pregnancy hormones. I just feel almost nothing. I WANT to cry, but can’t. I feel lonely and honestly just sad. I have been so blessed today with birthday wishes from friends and family, and I am so grateful for all of them, yet I just feel alone.
My oldest son gave me a wonderful birthday card, which actually did make me cry. I worry all the time that he hates me or just is perpetually mad at me. I’m the “mean” parent, but after reading his card, it was reassuring that I’m not totally screwing this relationship with him up. He’s 14, our job in raising him is getting closer and closer to being in a new place. We make adjustments constantly as parents. Parenting is not for wimps, or the weak. I just desire to have a good relationship with my kids, all of them, and I know it’s normal to question and even doubt at times that we’re doing things right. I don’t need to be my kids friends right now, and more importantly they don’t need me to be their friend. They  need me to be their mom. They need me to continue to guide them towards the Lord. To encourage them to develop a true, deep, and beautiful relationship with the Lord. I just don’t want to mess it up. I don’t want to push them away from Jesus. I don’t want to push them away from me.

It’s hard to pull yourself out of a funk. I know I will get out of it. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, just not feeling happy. On a happier note, our 7th blessing will be here in less than 5 weeks.

Cuddles of Gratefulness

I know I’ve missed a few days of gratefulness and right now I have the best one….
Day 27:I’m grateful for late night cuddles from my sweet baby girl, who’s not so much a baby anymore, but full fledge toddler of almost 3, but still has such a huge desire and need to be cuddled and just close to me. I think she may be the most attached to me of all our children. Most of our kids around the age of 2, became very into Daddy. Daddy’s fun, Mommy’s the disciplinarian. This sweet girl though, she’s all mine. She loves her daddy and her siblings intensely. She’s a big Mamaw’s girl (my mom) she likes to tease her Papaw, so much personality in such a tiny little body.
She was born so very sick. I kept everyone updated on facebook during her 9 days in NICU, but I did not share just how sick she was. We almost lost her a couple of times. She was born not breathing, they had to work on her for aprox. 5 minutes to get her breathing. Once she was breathing, we all thought she was fine, but after about an hour, she was laboring in her breathing and turning gray. Yes, GRAY. We didn’t see it, because it was fairly slowly. We all initially thought she just needed some extra oxygen, but they soon figured out she was an extremely sick baby girl, who had a dangerous infection that had been passed from me to her, which is extremely rare (I had Group B Strep) for it to be passed during a c-section,especially since they gave me the antibiotics, yet it did happen.
They were concerned she’d some how caught meningitis, so they had to do a spinal tap on her, Her little lungs collapsed and she had to have a chest tube. The last major she had was they believed she was truly cross-eyed. Now if you’ve had a baby, you know all babies are born naturally cross-eyed, and after a few days to a couple weeks they are able to focus. They brought in a specialist and he confirmed that the eye muscle was not working properly and that she would need surgery,or she’d end up blind in that eye. The first line of action was 30 days of 15-20 minutes of her wearing an eye patch. They were little stickers and she was fine with it being put on and having it on, she hated when we had to take it off, because whether we gently pulled it off, got it wet, it still just pulled her skin. I’m not so sure if it hurt, or was just annoying to her, but no matter what, she hated that last part. After that 30 days, we took her back to her eye doctor, and her eye was fine! He was shocked. He had never seen such a severe “defect” fix itself ultimately on it’s own. He said he had no answer, but we did and I had no problem telling him, it was GOD. He agreed and said it absolutely was, because short of the miracle from the Lord, she should have been in the process of getting consults and being prepared to have eye surgery.
Our God is great and nothing is beyond him, including muscles that do not work the way they’re supposed to at birth!

I’ve been on the other side of the miracle, where the miracle was the Lord saying he had different plans than our desires. That his answer was often “no”, that the end of the fight was not remission, but a new life in Heaven. Our first child, our first daughter, our first miracle is in the arms of Jesus. We don’t understand his ways, but I can say that almost 15 years later, although I miss my daughter with such intensity, there are no words to explain it, I know she’s in a better place. I have no worries for her and although I was angry with the Lord for a while, HE is big enough to take my anger, my pouting, my heart ache, sadness. He not only is big enough to take it, he held me, loved me, and got me through those days of confusion.

I am forever grateful for the 2 years we had with our first, and I’m grateful that he’s allowed us to have a “yes” to our prayers with our current youngest. May I remain focused that it’s never my will, but always HIS.